Dealing with Graduation Anxiety

Today is the fall commencement ceremony at my university. I have friends that are walking across a stage and closing what seems to be one of the most important chapters of their lives. It is always days like this that I find myself either suddenly motivated and ready to take over the world, or so weighed down with uncertainty about my future that I can't be bothered to leave the safety and security of my own bed. Today it's the latter. I am currently a senior; I'll be finishing up my four years of "preparation" for the rest of my life in the spring. I will get a certificate saying I am a fully capable, qualified person ready to fulfill her duty of contributing to society. It is hard to think that after a few years of sitting in a class that I am somehow ready to dive headfirst into adulthood with the tools needed to be successful in any way--- but I guess we have to start at some time. What I find most unsettling is that so many of my peers who have walked across the stage today seem incredibly unbothered and excited. With their posts on social media being full of selfies and smiles, you would think that they did not have a care in the world. While I understand their joy and am happy for them on achieving this accomplishment, I can't help but reflect on myself and feel as though I have done something wrong.

Are they not afraid of the unknown?

Have they been more thoroughly prepared than I have in the past few years?

Do they already have a plan?

Oh God, what if they already have a plan?

It is these thoughts that tend to bring out my neurotic inner-self and makes me redo my resumé, check for internships, clean my room, run a mile, etc. (I have a lot of nervous energy if you can't tell.) And for this, I'm grateful. I love that my anxiety can be utilized to make me productive. I love that seeing my friends accomplish things motivates me to want to do better. Be better.

What I don't love is that after I have used up this energy, I'm back to where I started. Once I come off of this high, it becomes more clear than ever that while I can control my actions and influence the outcome, I cannot control the way my life turns out. I do not know what comes after I walk across that stage. Some people find beauty and excitement in the unknown. They are up for the challenge of life and find adventure in the unfamiliar. That is a mindset that I am trying to adapt, but for now, I'm stuck, I'm tired, and I'm scared. 

And that's okay.

So for today, I will allow myself to experience this fear. I will not leave my bed. I am going to watch movies and Youtube videos, read a book, cry, and let myself be consumed by my own anxiety and fear. (After all, I just finished finals. I deserve a break.) However, tomorrow is a new day and I will force myself to change my outlook on what is to come. The fact is that it does not matter how I feel about tomorrow, it will not halt it's coming for me. It will not give me a preview of the future to lessen my distress. I will make myself view uncertainties as possibilities and unknown territory as a new adventure. I will find a way to embrace the unknown because that is the only choice that I have left.