My Life Starts Now

Oh, hey there. Long time, no post.

It's not like I was ever super consistent to begin with, but this hiatus definitely takes the cake. I love to say that I don't write because I haven't felt 'inspired' or that "I just don't know what I want to say." That's actually my go-to excuse for everything. There is a long list of things that I just haven't gotten around to doing simply because I don't know what I want. Whether that is what I want to say, what I want to do, who I want to be, who I want to be with, so on and so forth... You get the idea. I can't make up my mind about what I want so I feel like I can't take action. It wasn't until recently that I fully realized that you don't need a destination to take action, you figure out where you're going once you start. (Wow. Super insightful. Am I a philosopher?) I don't think that statement is unbelievably enlightening in itself, but I think it's a portion of that 'common sense' thing people are always talking about that is often overlooked. We're constantly fed this idea that you need to know what you want or you're somehow destined for failure. We're taught that we need to know what we want to do with the rest of our lives and how we plan on getting there while still raising our hands to go to the restroom. Let me get this right, you want me to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life before I can decide when I can go to the restroom? If you don't see a flaw in that way of thinking, trust me, we won't get along. It's not our parents, teachers, or family members' fault for trying to prepare us for the future. They are doing what they were taught to do, and guess what? It works! It works for some people anyway. Some kids know what they want and how to to get before they've had their first kiss. That's a little weird if you asked me, but you didn't. (I'm just kidding! Good for them, I guess.) Unfortunately, I'm just not one of those kids. (Am I bitter? Maybe.)

Let me introduce myself,

Hi, my name is Kashia Versae Wells and I suffer from CID, also known as, chronic indecisive disorder. (Don't look it up.)

I can't make simple decisions because, in my mind, I'm going to miss out on something better by choosing one thing over the other. Naturally, like any sensible human being, I choose to miss out on all opportunities instead of just the option I didn't pick. It's flawed logic but, you know, I'm still working out the kinks. My CID, paired with a twinge of perfectionism, makes me a barely functional member of society. (That's mildly dramatic, but whatever.) I don't have that form of perfectionism that people use as a positive descriptor showcasing diligence and ambition. No, no, no! That would be far too acceptable. I have the other kind of perfectionism that, mixed beautifully with a fear of failure and dash of anxiety,  makes every task feel impossible. Ideas pop into my head and before I even have the opportunity to figure out what I want to do with them, that wonderful mixture aforementioned erases any drive or desire that I initially had by replacing that single thought with ten reasons why I can't do it. The stress that comes from this completely made up scenario in my head stops me in my tracks from even attempting to make it a reality. You stop dreaming too big if you know that it's just the prelude to the nightmare.

I don't know how to turn my brain off or just replace negative thoughts of doubt or fear of failure with positive affirmations. What I do know is that this isn't working for me anymore. I have waited years hoping that I would just somehow figure out what it is that I want. I haven't. What I have instead are years and opportunities wasted. No more. I am taking my life back. (From who? Me, I guess. There are clearly more kinks that I've yet to figure out.) Maybe I'm not taking my life back at all. I don't want what I had before.

My life begins now...